What can marriage teach us about leadership?

There has been a lot of talk recently about weddings and marriage! 


I wondered what marriage might have to teach us about relationships in the workplace and, in particular, leadership.

Psychologist John Gottman is world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction; he has thirty-five years of breakthrough research on marriage.

Gottman found in his research that three types of couples succeeded.

Validating – good at communication and compromise

Volatile – lots of conflict and passion – they yell but they also laugh more, fight as equals and enjoy the process of resolving disputes

Conflict avoiding – they agree to disagree and re-affirm their shared values, emphasise the positive and value separateness and autonomy.

He found the destructive reactions were;

• Criticism and contempt,
• Defensiveness and withdrawal,
• Loneliness and isolation.

It was important to have what he calls the Magic Ratio of 5 positive interactions for each negative one.

Yes, well, that is marriage of course!  Leaders have to be out there don’t they, leading from the front.  No room for compromise or avoiding conflict.

But surely a successful leader always needs to be good at communication and have the judgement to know when compromise is required.

In a creative environment, generating the new ideas required in a changing world, there may well be conflict.   You hope for passion and laughter too!  But the leader will need to ensure there is a process for resolving the differences that emerge and that people are treated with respect.

All successful organisations will have corporate and shared values but there still needs to be a place for the different view.  People will need to feel they have the leader’s confidence so that they can act with autonomy.

As for the destructive reactions, constant criticism erodes confidence, energy and motivation.  If there is a problem, sort it and move on.  The slow drip, drip of negativity is like a slowly acting poison.

Any leader who feels contempt for his team, let alone shows it, is in the wrong job.

As for a leader who acts with defensiveness towards their own team on a regular basis, or who withdraws away from them (and there are examples), they aren’t really leaders at all, are they?

These are my views on this, but I’d very much welcome yours.  And as for those of you with long and happy marriages, what secrets have you got to share with the leaders of the future?

‘Why Marriages Succeed or Fail’ by John M. Gottman (Paperback …http://amzn.to/mteZe8 ) 

I am Wendy Mason and I work as a personal and business coach, consultant and blogger.  I have worked with many different kinds of people going through personal  and career change. If you would like my help, please email me at wendymason@wisewolfconsulting.com or ring ++44(0)2084610114 or ++44(0)7867681439.  I will be very pleased to hear from you. 

"Just whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you". The characteristics of leadership

 

It is interesting isn’t it that a lot of advice on leadership comes from people who have never had a chance to lead themselves.

This is true of advice on leadership in general and, I would say, it is true particularly of advice on change leadership.  Much of the advice comes from academics and, recently, it seems much has come from HR professionals and coaches.

Of course most of those writing have had many opportunities to observe and with an educated eye.

So, I’ve been looking recently at what they say are the characteristics of an effective leader and views differ.

One gives the top three characteristics required as; humility, non-judgmental observation and a willingness to face problems.

Another quotes honesty, competence and being forward looking.

A third quotes interpersonal skills, communication skills and values

But I’m left wondering.

You see I would like to see every manager in the organization have all nine of those qualities!

I was surprised that giving clear direction figured on only in one of the lists and intelligence and vision weren’t near the top of any. In my view these are critical.

I want my leaders to be bright, as well as competent.

Yes, I do want them to be able to look ahead and see the ground clearly.  But then I want them to be able to form a vision; a vision that is communicated in a way that helps me to believe in it.

Yes, I do want a dialogue conducted by my leader using their well practised and convincing interpersonal and communication skills.  But then I want them to decide the way ahead in the light of their vision and give the organization a clear sense of direction.

I found the emphasis on honesty very interesting in the present climate – interesting and sad that we can no longer take honesty for granted in our leaders.

I looked up the meaning of humility just to be sure I understood it properly.  It means someone who does not think that he or she is better or more important than others. Well, yes, then I agree but I’m not sure that I would put it top of my list.  What about you?

Wendy Mason works as a personal and business coach, consultant and blogger. She has managed or advised on many different kinds of transition and she has worked with all kinds of people going through personal change. If you would like her help, email her at wendymason@wisewolfcoaching.com or ring ++44(0)2084610114 or ++44(0)7867681439 .

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